So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
