I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize