the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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