My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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