I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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