I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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