There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
