saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
