What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize