At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
