Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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