I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
