Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
