god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
