I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
