I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
