that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
