well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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