Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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