I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
