Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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