Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
