im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
