That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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