The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
the liver wants what the liver wants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize