Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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