I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
