Umm I'm too high to move.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
