Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
