I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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