Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
