Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
