i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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