i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize