Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
