Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
