remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
