After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
