I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
