I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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