Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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