Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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