I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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