I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
