i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
