Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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