Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
