I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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