The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
