Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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