youre lurking in front of me
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
