I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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