I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize