I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
