Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
