For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had to cum in my sink.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
