i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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