We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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