nut hugger
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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