"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
