Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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