new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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